If the only thing you know about golf is how many mistresses Tiger Woods has had, then it’s pretty safe to assume that you have no golfing experience whatsoever, not even putt-putt at a miniature golf course. Your closest encounter with the sport is probably catching a glimpse of a tournament on TV when you got lost in search of TMZ (to learn all about the Tiger affairs).
If you do intend to give golf a chance, the following are some tips to help you keep your sense of humor while your swing keeps on missing the ball.
Tip #1 – Nothing attracts a golf ball more than water. Don’t despair if your shots keep on ending up in a water hazard because it’s not really your fault; it’s just the ball’s nature.
Tip #2 – Balls get treed all the time. They don’t ricochet.
Tip #3 – One night, sneak into the course with a ladder and some scuba gear. Gather all the treed and sunken balls and make money off of them. Note: In Australia, water hazards may have sharks, so… make sure you didn’t cut yourself shaving. (Please also note that this tip is entirely jocular in nature. I doubt if any of the compensation lawyers Sydney has will take on your case if you decide to go diving in a shark-infested water hazard to steal golf balls.)
Tip #4 – The veteran golfer most generous with dispensing free (unsolicited) golfing advice is the one with the highest handicap.
Tip #5 – Golf clubs can be demon-possessed. How else are they able to fling themselves from your clutch or do something totally different from what you intended them to do?
